I should become a member of the Hollywood Stuntmen’s Association because of all the falls I take. I don’t know if it’s due to old age, a double hip replacement, two bad knees, or not paying attention, but I seem to spend a lot of time on the floor lately.
Take yesterday. I step out of my SUV and my knee gives out. One leg is under the car and the other under the door, and my face is on the armrest. Now I’m thinking not only how this happened, but also how stupid I look – so I am laughing at myself.
As I get up from that position, I walk to my front door and miss the step, causing my knee to scrape on the step and leaving a hole the size of a quarter in it. I am still laughing and shaking my head, asking God why he did this to me as I am bleeding down my leg. As I get into the house, my wife’s voice comes from downstairs in the laundry room: “Are you all right?”
Just as I am about to answer, I slip on the top step and slide down the other six into the laundry room. One leg is straight out, the other is on the second-to-last step, and again I am wondering how I got there. I look like I just did a slide into second base.
My wife runs out of the laundry room, stops, looks at me, and starts laughing! She then crosses her legs and runs to the bathroom, and I can hear her laughing in there. I am still on the floor, split open like a banana, bleeding, and hoping I have not screwed up my two new hips – when I start to laugh. None of this is funny … but it is funny.
My wife finally comes out of the bathroom, trying to catch her breath and stop laughing enough to ask: “Are you okay?” Then she starts laughing again and runs back into the bathroom. Never marry a person who has a weak bladder when you make them laugh or have an emergency. “Please get me up,” I say to her.
She tries to get me out of looking like a pretzel by dragging me from the laundry room, putting her hands under my arms and pulling me into another room. What happens? She resumes laughing and runs to the bathroom again. At this point I am on my own, so I twist myself around and toward the steps that I just fell down, and finally pull myself up.
As I am leaning against the laundry room door, Princess Running Water finally appears and helps me to a chair, where she fixes my knee and tells me to come upstairs for lunch. Wrong move. As I go up the stairs, I miss a step and fall forward, just catching myself by grabbing the step in front of me. I look up, and my wife is looking down at me.
“Having a bad day?” she says, and starts to laugh again.