One thing that gets me mad is when a guy says, “I don’t know what to get her for Valentine’s Day!”

When I first met my wife, I bought her a calculator because she is an accountant, and I thought she would like it. I will never forget the look on her face that said, “Are you a !&*%$# moron?” Here are some gift ideas for your wife, mistress, girlfriend, boyfriend, or the girl next door.

On the high side, it may be time to lease your lady a new ride. The 1999 Ford Explorer she has been driving since you got married needs to be replaced. Hint: Smoke screens that come out of the backs of cars are only in James Bond movies. It’s her turn now.

Guess what, guys? In every mall, near Dick’s Sporting Goods and the Sears Auto Center, are two stores where you can’t go wrong for that Valentine’s present. In both of them, beautiful young women are waiting to help as you walk in hoisting your jeans over your stomach and looking as dumb as a bag of doorknobs.

The first is Victoria’s Secret, where you could get the gift that keeps on giving. The second is a jewelry shop. Things that go bling put a smile on her face – and maybe yours, if you get lucky that night. Silver, gold, platinum, diamonds, and birthstones will always make her happy. It could be a ring, bracelet, earrings, or ankle bracelet. (For the last 38 years, the owner of Parian & Sons Jewelers and his wife have known me by my first name.)

No clothing unless it is mink or leather; no candy; and no gift cards to a coffee shop. How about a weekend at a spa with you? Or a cruise to Bermuda, a weekend in New York City with a boat ride around the island, a play and dinner at the best steakhouse?

No kitchen appliances; no vacuum cleaners; no new dishes; and, unless you want an instant divorce, no lawn equipment. Some women love sporting goods equipment like a tennis racket or a trap gun (yes, a trap gun!).

The best thing you can give your wife, whether you’ve been married for 20 or 60 years, is cheap and simple. Walk up behind her, put your arms around her waist, plant a soft kiss on her neck, and tell her that you love her. It always works! Oh – don’t forget the Valentine’s card, caveman!

Have a happy Valentine’s Day.

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