Actress Betty Davis once said, “Old age ain’t no place for sissies.” and she was right! This was not supposed to happen to me. I was always young at heart, strong as a bull and could survive a direct hit from a North Korean missile. During the 70’s gas crisis, I once pushed my car three blocks to a gas station and now I have trouble pushing a loaded shopping cart around the ShopRite. When did this happen to me? Yesterday I was young and handsome; today I look like my father! My wife and I went out to dinner and when, at the end of dinner, the waitress came with the check I looked up at her and smiled the cap on my front tooth fell off! I could see on the waitress’s face that she was thinking if she did not get away from me now my eyeball may fall out into my key lime pie.

It’s pretty bad when you walk into the doctor’s office and all the admin staff and half the people in the waiting room know you by your first name. After you pass 50 you should take a class in pharmaceutical word pronunciation. My doctor asked me what I was taking for my high blood pressure and it sounded like Armatuedilectie Rubik’s Cube and he nodded his head and said OK. Why didn’t he look at my chart he was holding? He changes my pills so often that I now carry a back pack for all the free samples he gives me.

If you are into old classic cars, don’t go to a car show, go out after 10 o’clock and visit the malls or cemeteries. There is a sea of grey hair out there driving big old Buicks and Chryslers. I took a walk in the mall the other day and all the women looked like my mother-in- law and she’s been dead for two years.

At one time I could hold back from going to visit a bathroom for 9 hours; today, if I think of water, I need to find a tree and quick. I know where every bathroom and rest stop is from my home to the GW Bridge.

I know old age was inevitable but I just thought it would take longer.

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Tony has lived in Lake Hopatcong since 1987. He has a bachelor’s degree in American literature from Ramapo College, a New Jersey teacher’s certificate, and a master’s in business administration from Fairleigh Dickinson University. Tony’s column, “For What It’s Worth,” appeared in Aim Jefferson for nine years. He recently retired after 46 years in the corporate world. Tony can be reached at