A good friend of mine told me that it takes a good two years to stop feeling guilty about relaxing at home after you retire. He was right. I don’t do any of the things I used to do when I had some downtime while working.

I have not read a book or magazine in two years, don’t go down to the model shop or bookstore, and don’t go to the mall or the range. I can’t help but feel that I should be back at my desk, working, running around the building, talking with a hundred people, and fighting with some millennial idiot who tells me he or she could do my job better by cutting some corners. I know I can’t go back to my job because they now have three people in another country doing it, so I sit at home waiting for a plan B.

One thing I will not do is watch TV. I will not turn on the morning news, which leads into The Price is Right, the news at 12, a soap opera, The Wendy Williams Show, and local and world evening news. If I do this, I will be writing in six months about my 600-pound life and how I am now living in the garage.

One day I did get caught in the house because of a winter storm, and had to watch TV for nine hours. I watched nine hours of commercials! It was nice to see that the world is not forgetting about us senior citizens (because they say we have the most money), but come on: You want me to buy what?

First of all, these commercials tell you up front that if you are over 65, you should listen to this. Thanks for the reminder, commercial guys. If you are under 65, you should take a long walk off a short pier! Then you get hit with everything under the sun … things that were, at one time, discussed only with your doctor or wife behind locked doors.

Erectile dysfunction, bladder control (I really need to know that Whoopi Goldberg pees a little when she laughs?), dental implants, hair loss (I wish I had hair loss in my ears so I would stop looking like an elf), toenail fungus, and catheters. (I need to know that a guy can put his catheter in when he is flying his stunt plane at 30,000 feet? And that one guy who claims he was a rodeo rider uses catheters? Ouch! This cowboy is also featured on the knee and back brace commercials.) The last straw was the commercial with a woman talking about her colostomy bag – how much she likes it and where to get supplies. This sent chills up my spine.

Thanks to these commercials, I have almost stopped watching daytime TV and moved back again to reading books, magazines, and the junk mail that comes in by the ton. But just when I thought it was safe to get the mail, I got a nice letter from the Acme Cremation Society reminding me to take the time to make my cremation prearrangements. This really burns me up!

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